The Eventual Miss Grammar America
Responds to the Judges' Questions
If chosen for this honor, your honors (her years of training have taught her to blush into her fan, which is made of remaindered copies of Strunk and White’s The Elements of Style), I would first share possessives.
I would strive to eliminate the passive voice—if indeed that is able to be accomplished—and work for the understanding of gerunds.
I would employ my prize money to sponsor corrections of the misuse of “it’s” in advertisements and on billboards across America. I would eschew appearances at vulgar bowl game parades. I would champion the obliteration of the usage “between you and I.”
I would campaign for the canonization, albeit symbolic, of Edna Whitherfield Glump, my sixth-grade English teacher.
And of course—if I may be permitted an incomplete sentence—world peace.
I thank you.